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jy 1 - ■ - . - 

PATTY PACKS A BAG 

(DAVID C ARROW), 

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1 



PATTY PACKS A BAG 



PATTY PACKS A 
BAG 



A COMEDIETTA 



By 

DAVID GARROW 



Copyright, 191 i, by Samuel French, Limited 



New York 

SAMUEL FRE^XH 

Publisher 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



/ 






(£CI.D 23934 



PATTY PACKS A BAG 
By DAVID GARROW. 

Produced on Monday, February 27, 191 1, at the Grand 
Theatre, Southampton, with the following cast of characters — 

Patty Landon (a Young Girl) . . Miss May NoyHs. 
Mrs. Landon (her Mother) . . . Miss Maty Bayfrick. 
Captain Finch (a middle-aged Sea- 
Cap tain) . . Mr. F. A. Mavston. 

Scene. — Sitting-room of a Small House in a Seaside Town. 



Ail applications respecting the performance of this 
play — both by professional and amateur companies- 
must be addressed to the sole proprietors : — 

Messrs. SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 

26, Southampton Street, 

Strand, London, 

or their authorized agents. 

The fee of fifteen shillings for each and every 
amateur representation must be paid prior to per- 
f6rmd,nce and a written authority obtained, giving 
permission for the production of the play. 

Any costumes or wigs required in the performance 
of " Patty Packs a Bag " may be hired or purchased 
reasonably from Messrs. Chas. H. Fox, Ltd., 27, 
Wellington Street, Strand, London. 



PATTY PACKS A BAG 

Scene. — Sitting-room of a small' house in a sea^side 
town. .Window at back. Door R. {into hull or 
passage.) Fireplace l., door l!, helow fireplace. 
Table l.c. with small white cloth on the dark one, tea 
laid for one. A mans things, pipes, telescope, 
papers, etc., are lying about among work-baskets, 
books, etc. . : - > 

(Mrs. Landon sits in armchair l. above fireplace, 
sewing. Enter r. Captain Finch, good-looking, 
bluff man of forty-two, carrying a big Gladstone bag., 
with a huge ticket bearing the •words, "^ Sale Price, 
25S-") 

Mrs. Landon. Ah, Captain, I was wondering 
what had become of you! Patty and I have . had 
our tea, and she's gone out shopping. 

Captain {frowning and embarrassed). Miss Patty 
generally does go out when I come in ! 

Mrs. L. {surprised). My Patty! Why, Captain, 
I thought you and she were the best of friends \ 
{Rises, pours out tea.) 

Captain. So did I. Mrs. Landon, till lately. But 
she's grown that stand-off and uppish, she won't let 
her father's old friend come nigh her. 

Mrs. L. Oh, Captain, Lm sure there's some mis- 
understanding ! Patty's the last person to put on 
airs, and with you, who have lived with us so long, 
you're quite one of the family. 



PATTY PACKS A BAG 



Captain. One of the family ! No, ma'am, that's 
just what I've been made to feel I'm not. (Thumps 
his Gladstone hag down on chair r.) 

M.'RS. I., [alarmed). There's some mistake. Let me 
put your bag away for you. [Crosses r., sees ticket. 
With nervous playfulness.) Been investing, I see ! 

Captain [sits r. of table, drinks tea). Yes, ma'am. 

I'm — I'm- [loudly and defiantly) I'm going to get 

married. 

Mrs. L. [standing down R., drops back and turns. 
Faintly) . To get married I Then — then you're go- 
ing away ? 

Captain [stabs the loaf with the bread knife). Yes, 
ma'am, I'm going away to-night. 

Mrs. L. [with a cry of dismay). Oh ! To-night ! 

Captain [fiercely). Yes, Mrs. Landon, when a 
thing's got to be done, it's best to get it over. [Rises 
and goes l. of table.) 

Mrs. L. But you can't get married without notice ; 

Captain. I am aware of that, ma'am. But I pro- 
pose to take up my residence at once in the house of my 
future wife. 

Mrs. L. [with intelligence). Oh ! 

Captain [takes out his purse). I owe you some 
notice, I know. But I'll plank down the money for 
a month's pay and rations instead. [Puts down 
money on table.) 

Mrs. L. [goes r. of table, brushes the money towards 
him — with feeling). No, Captain Finch, it's no ques- 
tion of money and notice with my husband's old 
friend. Put your money in your purse, and God bless 
you. Ay, and God bless your future wife too, who- 
ever she is ! 

Captain (tries to be firm, breaks down, shakes her 
hand warmly across table). Well then, God bless you 
too ! And mind this, [earnestly) I'd never have left 
you, never, but for the airs of that girl of yours, Patty. 

[Door heard opening outside R., and Vatty laughing.) 



PATTY PACKS A BAG. 9 

(Furious.) There she is, the minx ! Give me my 
bag ! I must pack up ! 

{Snatches bag and exits l. hurriedly.) 

(Mrs. Landon begins to pile up the tea-things l. of 
table. Enter Patty r. in hat, with many small 
■ parcels, laughing.) 

Patty. Oh, m.other, I shall die of laughing. I 
know I shall i (Throws down broken parcels on table.) 

Mrs. L. (interrupts tartly). You'll laugh the other 
side of your mouth when you hear what Tve got to 
tell you. Captain Finch is going away — to-night — 
to be married. 

Patty (her face suddenly changes). To be — 
married ! 

Mrs. L. Yes. [Whimpering.) After three years, 
and seeming to have quite settled down with us. x\nd 
it's all your fault. 

Patty. My fault ! 

Mrs. L. Yes. He says you've been "uppish" 
with him, and I must say I've noticed myself there 
was something. 

Patty (suddenly). I know w^ho it is ! It's that 
old wasp. Miss Pilcher. 

Mrs. L. Miss Pilcher ! Surely he wouldn't marry 
a vinegary old maid ! 

Patty (decidedly). She's buttered him up ! I've 
seen her m3/self. (Mimics.) " My dear Captain 
Finch, and how are you this morning ? " La-di-da- 
di-da-di-da I (Mimics, smirking and ogling, folding 
her hands, turning head and eyes, first to one side then 
to the other.) 

Mrs. L. (sighing). Do you know, Patty, I had a 
sort of fancy he might be after you. Don't you like 
him ? 

Patty (half-shy, half-resentful). I didn't want 
people to say I was running after him. 



10 I PATarr PACKS A BAG: 

Miis. L'. (sharply):' '^^;now somebody else has T; 
run'.iafter him, and tmt^hthim too I ^•i 

Patty [with for cS:p carelessness, sits r., drums her "^ 
heels- ok the floor, hoMMg ^chair on each side and leaning 
back). I don't care — I don't care — I don't c4,re a''' 

%! • ■ '■ '■ ' ^' [ -;■' ,, 

Mrs. L. (ow verge of tears, takes up tea-tray). Bui I ' 
care.'- ' I do'n't know ze^/z^w I've had such a knock-down 
blow.'' (Crosses r.)'"'' ' ■ 

Patty (meets hery-ti^esto take tray). Where's Lticy ■ 
gone to ? : i ; i 

Mrs. L. It's her evening out. 

Patty. Then I'll' take this. 

Mr^. L. No, no /I want something to do, to keep ■ 
me torn thinking. 

' ' ''' (Exit Mrs. Landon, r.) 

CAPTAIN (outside 1.. bawls). Mrs. Landon ! 

(Patty starts, looks' demure, takes off hat slowly, goes 
up L.) 

(Outside L., louder.) Mrs. Landon ! 

(Enter l. Captain Finch, with his arms full of clothes, 
etc:l ^carrying his '-bag," still bearing its sale ticket.) 

Mrs. Landon ! (Catches sight of Patty — with elabor- . 
atk Mffness) Oh, I'^'beg pardon. I thought Mrs. 
Landon w^as here. i 

Pa'tt-y. Is there ' anything / can do for you, 
Captain ? ' 

Oa'Pt Km (very stiffly). Oh, I shouldn't like to 
trouble you. ; 

Patty. Perhaps it wouldn't be a trouble.- Tell 
me what ydu want done. 

Captain. I only Wished to request Mrs. Landon' s 
assistance in packing my bag. I used to be. a very 



PATTY PACKS A BAG. 11 

good packer, but I seem someiiow to have lost th^ 
knick. (Opens hog, shows clean shirts crumpled up, 
with hoots and hoUles and hooks stuck in anyhoij^.) . 

Patty (laughs). I'm afraid you have. Let .me.., 
try. (Tries to take hag,) . .,>: ,, 

Captain (l.. stiffly, resisting). Oh no, 1 couldn't 
think of it. 

Patty. Oh yes, you'd better. It's the last time 
I shall do anything for you, y oil know. (Takes hag, . 
puts it on floor down stage, leans down to it.) 

Captain (resentfully). I've no doubt you're very 
glad of that. 

Patty (xvithout heeding). In the first place we'd 
better take everything out, I think. (Takes things 
out and puts them on table.) And be quite sure, before 
we begin to pack, that we've got positively every- 
thing. You don't want to leave anj'thing behind 
you, do you ? 

Captain (eyes her uncertainly^gruffly) . Er — er— . 
no — I suppose not. 

Patty. Better go round the room, and collect': 
whatever belongs to you. 

Captain. Eh ? Oh, yes, yes, I see. (Crosses R.' 
searches on sideboard.) .v. 

Patty. There are some books of yours. (Points 
up L.) 

C AFT An: (meekly). But your mother's reading one. 
I don't want to take an^^thing that might be of use to 
you. 

Patty (picks up pipes from sideboard r.). Well.. 
these pipes won't, anyway. 

Captain (hastily). Oh no, of course not. I'll take 
the pipes. 

Patty (picks up telescope r.). And this telescope. 
(Puts it on table.) . .. - 

Captain. Thank you. 

Patty (goes round to mantelpiece). And some of , 
these photographs are yours, I think. 

Captain (meekly). Yes. 



12 PATTY PACKS A BAG- 

Patty. Here's one of mother. {Takes photo off 
mantelpiece.) Youll want to keep that, won't you ? 

Captain. Yes. 

Patty. And one of father. (Takes photo) Of 
course youll want that. 

Captain. Ay ! 

Patty. But here's one of me. (Takes third 
photq.) You won't want that. 

Captain (^disconcerted). Won't I ? Why not ? ■ 

Patty (throws photo into fireplace). We're not 
friends. 

Captain (down r. of table, shyly) . We — we — we 
used to be. 

P^TTY (turns upon him sharply). But we're not 
now. [Raps table.) Mother said so. 

CAPTAIN (abashed). Oh— oh, oh well, if she said 
so, I suppose it must be right. (Eyes her, follows her 
round l., coughs.) At the same time— — • 

Patty (whirls round quickly, puts tobacco-jar in his 
hands). Tobacco- jar. 

Captain (meekly). Thanks. At the same time, 
as I was saying, if only you were always as nice as 
you are to-night 

Patty (whirls round, puts pouch in his hand). 
Tobacco pouch. 

Cai*tain (meekly). Thank you. As I was about 
to remark 

P^TTY {whirls round, puts compass in his hands). 
Compass. 

Captain. Easy there ! (Coughs loudly.) I was 
just on the point of observing, Miss Patty 

P^TTY (whirls round — in solemn tones). Where 
3ure your sea-boots ? 

Captain [shouts). Damn my sea-boots ! 

Patty (affects to be terribly shocked, staggers down 
stage, holds on to table, with her hand to her heart). 
Qhf 

Captain (looking deeply ashamed). There, there, 
I'm sorry. I apologise. But really, of all the 



PATTY PACKS A BAG. 13 

aggravating young women {Comes down R. ' of 

table. 

Patty. Well, well, it's only young women who 

are aggravating, you know. You'll be safe with Miss 

Pilcher. 

Captain (starts back r.) Who told you? ' ' 
Patty [looks at him). Qh, I guessed. Mother told 

me you were going to be married, so I just thought 

and thought till I hit upon the most suitable pfetson. 
Captain (growling). Most stiitable ? Why, I'm 

not eighty ! ; - 

Patty (sweetly). No. Nor is she. ' '^• 

Captain. She's forty, if she's a day. ' 

Patty (sweetly). And you are — forty- two, I 

think ? 

(Captain turns up with a growl.) 

(Sweetly.) May we congratulate you ? ■ • 

Captain (gruffly, up stage r., only half turning Ms 
head). Oh — oh, I suppose so. 

Patty {mischievously demure, leans against table 
down L.). You'll send us some cake, won't you ? - 

Captain. Oh, I don't hold with cake. 

Patty. You'll ask us to the wedding-breakfast ? 

Captain (uneasily). I don't 'hold with w'^edding- 
breakfasts. ' > 

Patty. Well, at least yorf ir let us come ft) 'the 
at home ? (Picks up things to pack.) ' "• ' 

Captain (ferociously). And I don't hold witli at- 
homes ! ■' ^■ 

Patty (r., leans across table towards him, dekper- 
ately). What do you hold with^ Captain Finch? 

Captain (leans across table l,). I hold with young 
ladies that mind their own business. " ' 

Patty. And that leave otlier people to do their 
own packing ! (Drops the things she was holding 'and 
runs across R.) ' . 

Captain (embarrassed and ' desperate, turns' • and 



14 I PATTY PACKS A BAG. 

catches Vatty down R.); Miss Patty, don't run away. 

I__j^_X apologise. I — I^ Won't you sit down ? 

We can talk more comfortably if we sit down. [He 
leads her across to chair l. by fireplace and sits himself 
on table.) When you say anything to make me reg'Iat 

^ild, I all the time feel — {sentimentally) feel 

(Moves his head uneasily,' puts his finger inside: hi§^' 
collar.) . : : • 

Fatty I {innoc&ntly). As if yon had a pin in your 
collar ? , 

CiVPTAiN (testily). No, no, not at all. (Senti- 
mentally.) I feel (Rubs his chin violently.) 

Patty, /know. As if you'd forgotten to shave ? 

Ckftay^ (bounces up). No I (Goes up.) 

(Patty sits upright and demure, staring innocently ; 
; he comes down, stands L.c. before her.) 

You're aggravating me on purpose. You think nie a 
silly old fool, and you're just doing your best to rub 
me up and make me ridiculous. We41, you shan't. 
I 7Jc)on't be aggravated. I say 1 TL'ont ! (Snaps his 
fingers.) 

Patty (i^inocently) . What beautiful weather we've 
had to-day, Captain Finch ! 

CAf>TAiN (furious). There yon go again ! (Pulls 
himself up.) No, you shan't aggrp^/ate me, I say 
you shan't ! 

Patty {very meek). May I go away and help 
mother. Captain Finch ? 

Captain (hastily). Oh, you may go to the d — — 

Patty (rising). The drav/ing-room.. Yes, of 
course. 

Captain (turns, comes down). Sit dovvn. 

(She sits. Pause.) 

Now, why do you do it ? . 

. . Patty (opens her eyes wide). Why do I sit dov/n ?, 

Because yon told me to. - . 



PATTY PACKS A BAG: 15 ^ 

Captain {sits down r. and fans himself with his 
pocket-handkerchief) Talk of the Tropics ! Give ' 
me a girl for making it warm for one ! 

(Patty ns^5, picks her portrait :out of fireplace.) 
' '/•■'n. 5^fnij 
What's that you've got there ?■"'■' 

Patty. Only my photograph, Captain Finch. 

Captain. But it's not yours now, it's mine. 

Patty. May I have it, please ? 

Captain. What for ? 

Patty. I want to give it to some one — some one 
who's asked for it. 

Captain. Some young jackanapes, I suppose, 
about half my age ? 

Patty. Yes, about that. 

Captain. To think that a daughter of my old 
friend. Jack Landon, should throw herself away on a 
boy just out of the nursery. 

Patty {^innocently) . Why should you mind ? / 
don't mind about Miss Pilcher. 

Captain. Confound Miss Pilcher ! 

Patty. You wouldn't like me to tell her that. 

Captain [roars). I don't care what you. tell her ! 
(Sweeps some things off table, stuffs them into hag on 
floor ; some of them are her grocery parcels.) 

Patty. Oh, let me help ! 

Captain. I don't require your assistance, thank 
you. I can pack quite well by myself. [Treads down 
clean shirts into hag with his foot.) 

Patty. Oh, mind the collars ! (Snatches them 
up, screwed up and spoilt.) Look what you've done to 
them ! 

Captain. That's the way I like 'em ! [Snatches 
at them.) 

Patty (keeps them out of his way). No. I'll lake 
care of them till you are cooler. 

Captain. Cockr ! I u:-vor shaU b^ c^ol^r. I'm as 



16 PATTY PACKS A BAG. 

Patty. Well, I can't see good things spoilt. 
(Gathers up ties, handkerchiefs, etc., off table. She is 
L. of fable.) 

Captain. Give me those things, do you hear ? 

{He stands r., of table.^ pulls one end of tie in her hand 
She holds on to the other end. Each holds on firmly.) 

Patty. , No, I won't! 

Captain. Give them up, I say— or I'll make you. 

Patty. Just you try. 

Captain. I won't be stood up to by a bit of a 
girl,! 

Patty. It'll be all you can do to stand up to her. 

Captain. Will you let go ? 

Patty. No ! 

Captain. Here goes then. I must make you. 
(Twists end of tie round his hand and piills. Half 
comes away in his hand. He looks at it ruefully.) 

Patty (la'iighs at him). You're only destroying 
your own property. 

Captain (gruffly). Well, what do you want with 
my things ? 

Patty. I only want to pack them for you. 

Captain (flings aiemy the torn tie). Well, pack and 
be 

Patty (holds up her finger) . Oh, naughty, naughty! 

Captain. I wasn't going to , say that ! 

Patty. To say what ? 

Captain. Well — er — what you thought. 

Patty (comes down and kneels behind bag, taking 
everything out) . Yes, you were. /know. My father 
was a ship's captain too ! 

Captain. No wonder he's dead 1 

Patty '(whimpering). It's very unkind of you to 
say that. 

Captain (comes down, hovers over her, repentant). 
There! I didn't mean it. But you do badger me 
so, I don't know what I'm saying. 



PATTY PACKS A BAG. 17 

Patty {soo'hi;:^). Well, I won't badger you' any 
more. (Packing carefully.) We'll put the books and 
heavy things in first. So ! And you don't want my 
coffee and candles, nor m}' packet of hair-pins. 
(Laughs and puts small parcels out of bag on table 
behind her.) Now I want a newspaper for the slippers, 
please. 

(Captain Finch takes newspaper from sideboard and 
hands it to her.) . ■. < 



Thanks. (She packs slippers.) Oh, surely you don't 
want this rubbish ! (Picks up papers.) 

Captain. What rubbish ? 

Patty. Why, the portraits I drew of you on the 
leaves of my copybook years ago, when I was a little 
girl! 

Captain (testily). Yes, I want to keep them. 
(Reproachfully.) You were a very nice little girl. 

Patty. Well, you don't want to keep those 
dreadful cuffs that I knitted for you last winter. 

Captain (snatches them from her). Yes, I do. You 
leave them alone. 

Patty. But I wasn't a little girl then ! ^^' 

Captain. You were a nice girl, though. '• 

Patty (laughs softly). Not like I am now'! 

Captain (promptly). Not a bit like you are now 1 

Patty (hurt). Thank you. (Goes on packing 
vigorously.) 

Captain. Well, well, you asked for it. 

Patty (suddenly sits back). Captain Finch, we've 
forgotten your songs. Will you go up to the draw- 
ing-room and fetch them ? ; ■ 

Captain (gloomily). What's the good ? I can't' sing 
'em ! 

Patty. Why, yes you can. You used to ' sing 
beautifully when I played your accompaniments. 

Captain (regretfully). Ay, I could then. You 



38^ PATTY PACKS A feAGl. 

had such a wonderful way of bringing me back to the 
ioon when I missed him. \ {Sits on edge of table, 
swinging his leg.) 

Patty. Well, any accompanist could do that! 
^ Captain (shakes his head) . Vm. not so sure. I could 
trust myself with you, but' with a raw hand at the 
tiller, I'm apt to turn " Yipiyady " into " Yankee 
Doodle." . - i ' ' 

Patty (demurely) . Perhaps Miss Pilcher can play. 

Captain (his face' falls). Ay, perhaps. But she 
don't look the right sort of craft. 

Patty. Well, will you take the songs ? (Sits hack.) 

Captain. No. They'd put me too much in mind 
of things I've — done with. 

Patty (softly, looking up). What things ? 

Captain (pause — then hastily). Just you go on 
packing. 

Patty (packs, fastens up one side of bag). There ! 
One side's done. (Unties sale ticket.) You won't 
want this, will you ? 

Captain (laughs). No. You can throw that away. 
(Tries to take it.) 

Patty (puts ticket in her pocket). I'll keep it. 

Captain. What's the good of an old sale ticket ? 

Patty. Oh, it will remind me of — of— (hesitates, 
then quickly) — of packing (goes on packing furi- 
ously). 

Captain (diffidently). I say, , Patty. You always 
used to let me call you just Patty, didn't you ? 

Patty. Oh, yes. 

Captain. Why have you taken a dislike to me 
lately ? 

Patty. I haven't. 

Captain. But you've changed. " ' . 

Patty. I've grown up, that's all. 

Captain. What does it feel like td grow up 
Patty? - 

Patty. You ought to know — you've done it 
yourself. '•• v 



PATTY PACKvS A BAG. 19 

Captain. Yes, but that was such a confounded 
long time ago. Tell me why you've changed so ? 

Patty (shyly and with hesitation). Well, when you 
come to be twenty and to have your hair up, you be- 
gin to ask yourself whether you haven't been rather 
presuming, and whether the. iriends who have liked 
you — for your father's: sake^-and your mother's^ — 
mustn't be rather bored with you for your own. And 
so, feeling like that, an '.^. with some other feelings that 
I can't exactl}'; explain, 3^ou-draw back a little, you 
know, and — and — rc?Jly, I can't tell you any more 
than that. (Plunges into packing.) 

Captain (kneels dowyi on floor, helping aimlessly to 
pack, ptitting one small thing first in one corner and 
then in another of the 'bag). But won't you try to tell 
m.e exactly what those other feelings are, Patty ? 

Patty. I can't — realty I can't ! I don't under- 
stand them myself. (Packs.) 

Captain (shyly). I must tell you, I've had some 
odd feelings too, lately. 

Patty [trimnphantly) . ■ There, it's done ! (Shuts 
bag.) But it's a tight fit. How am I to make it 
shut? 

Captain. Sit on it. 

Fatty (t'urns over bag and sits on it). It won't meet 
even now. 

Captain. Let me help. (Sits beside her on bag.) 

Patty. Do jou think this will do any good ? 

Captain. I expect it vfill, gradually. 

Patty. But w^e can't sit here all night. 

Captain. / shouldn't mind. 

Patty. It won't do any good to the starched shirt- 
fronts. 

Captain. Never mind the shirt-fronts. 

Patty. Oh, / don't mind, but yo^* will, when you 
warit, to look very nice and smart wdth Miss Pilcher. 

Captain. Oh. hang Miss Pilcher. 

Patty. You can't hang her. You've got to 
marry her. 



20 PATTY PACKS A MG. 

Captain. Who saj^s so? 

Patty. You did. You told mother so. 

Captain. No, I didn't. 

Patty. You didn't? 

Captain. No. I said I was going to live in her 
house. ,, , ; ,. , , 

Patty (demurely), ph. 1 [Tries to rise.) 

Captain (holds Patty down). Wait a moment. 
Let us have a ta.lk aj^out t^Qse feelings ydii couldn't 
understand. 

Patty. Oh, not now. 

Captain. Well, let me tell you about mine. I've 
had some strange new feelings too. Can you guess 
what they are ? 

Patty. Gout, perhaps ? 

Captain. Well, supposing my feelings were just 
gout, then what were yours ? 

Patty (demurely). Gout, too, perhaps. 

Captain. You are too young. 

Patty. I'm not so very young. I'm twenty. 

Captain. You're very young compared to me.'^; 

Patty. But you're not old. ^^ 

Captain. No. Not too old for— Miss Pilcher. 

Patty. Not too old for anybody. 

Captain (delighted, comes diffidently nearer). What 
— do you mean ? (His tone changes.) No, of course 
you're only trying to aggravate me again. But I 
won't be had this time. I won't— I won't ! (Rises 
and stamps about.) '^' "^ 

Patty (sitting on bag, begins to cry). You're — 
you're very unkind! • 'W\ 

Captain. I know your little game ! / know what 
you're going to tell the young fool that you're giving 
your photograph to ! 

Patty (passionately). There isn't any young fool ! 

Captain. Yes, there is, I know. You're going to 
make him laugh at the old fool that's in love with you. 

Patty (emphatically). I tell you there isn't any 
young fool ! . 



^ _• "pATfY PACKS A BAG. ^1 

P Captain (quietly).^ Well there's an old fool, isn't 
there ? 

Patty (turns away shyly). No. 

Captain (taking heart a little, but diffident). There 
isn't an old fool ? 

Fatty (still turni'ng away). You're wo/ old. 

Captain (coming timidly nearer)'. But I'm a fool 
aren't I ? 

Patty. T don't know. (Still turning away down 

Captain (sits on edge of table, gradually edging, him- 
self nearer as he talks). Well, I should be a fool, 
shouldn't I, if I were to think that a young girl, just 
tw^enty, could ever care for a battered old craft like 
me ? 

Patty (turns, without looking up). Why shouldn't 
a girl care for you, Captain Finch ? 

Captain. Because — because (Suddenly shy.) 

Oh, of course you're only aggravating me ! (Goes 
up L.) " • 

(Patty sits down l., sobs.) 

(Turns quickly, speaks very sternly,) Here, stow that. 
I say ! Stow that ! (Comes down, tries to pull away 
her handkerchief — -in consternation.) It's wet ! 

Patty. 'Course [it's wet ! (Whimpering.) Did 
you think tears were dry goods ? 

Captain (embarrassed). I — I — I didn't think girls 
ever really cried, unless they were hurt. 

Patty. Well, you hurt me. 

Captain. I! Oh, no, no, what have I said? 
What have I done ? 

Patty (sobbing). You — you — you — s-s-said you 
were an old f-f-f 

Captain. Fool ! So I am. 

Patty. To c-c-c-care for me ! 

Captain. So I did. 



22 PATTY PACKS A BAG. 

Patty (resentfully). Why should it be foohsh to 
like me ? 

Captain. Because you can't like me back. 

Patty [shyly). And — why can't I ? 

Captain (leaning over table). Patty, my girl, if 
this is only aggravation, you ought to be strangled. 

Patty (so 6&mg'). But — it — it — it isn't. 

Captain [comes to her chair, leans over it). Patty, 
do you think any happiness can come of a May and 
December marriage ? 

Patty [promptly). 'No. 

Captain [taken aback).' You don't? 
::^Patty. I don't. But [shyly) 1 think happiness 
might come of May and — [Looks up.) August ! 
(Takes his hand.) Early August ! 

Captain. Patty, my dear {takes her. hand and presses 
it), you*re laying it on thick, but [kisses her) that's how 
I like it! 

■3- - (Bell rings and knock heard.) 

{Nervously.) Who's that ? 

Patty [jumps up, looks out of window at hack, comes 
down). It's Miss Pilcher ! 
. Captain (alarmed). By Jove ! 

----- = '-■■ [Eause.of consterndtion.) 

(Suddenly seizes Patty.) Who's afraid ? 
i Patty.- You're sure you didn't really ask her to 
marry you ? 

■■■' Captain:' -Quite-sure. I only wanted you to-think 
I had. I sort of hove to, waiting for a wind. ^ : 

■ - Patty. It wasn't fair. , \: 

Captain. By Jove, Patty [hu^s her), now I',m safe 
ii^ port; I donitiGare ho\v I got there. , , v , ■ ; . - 

Patty [extrieatmg herself) . ' Hush ! Here's mother ! 



PATTY PACKS A BAG. 23 

{Enter Mrs. Landon mysteriously. ) 

Captain. Well, how's the log ? 

Mrs. Landon. Why, Miss Pilcher's here, come 
to see about your moving in. Of course, I congratu- 
lated her upon her approaching marriage 

Patty 

and [together, in dismay).- Oh! ; 

Captain. 

(Patty sinks into chair r., Captain into chair l.) 

Mrs. L. But she didn't seem to know anything 
about it. 

(Patty and Captain turn away laughing.) -- 



(c.) What's all this ? (Looks from one to the other.) 
What have you been doing, Patty ? 

Patty (sits up demurely). Oh, I've been helping 
Captain Finch to pack his bag. 

Mrs. L. (bewildered, to Captain Finch) . What shalj 
I say to Miss Pilcher, Captain ? Will you see her ? 

Captain. No, thank you. 

Mrs. L. Shall I say you're not at home ? 

Captain. No, ma'am. Tell her I am at home, and 
mean to remain there. 

Mrs. L. (starts, looks at them). But I understood 
you had paid her a deposit. 

Captain. She's welcome to keep it. 

Mrs. L. (mystified, to Captain Finch) . And what 
are you going to do ? 

Captain (comes down u of Mrs. Landon). Ask 
Patty. . . 

Mrs. L. Patty, I don't understand. What are 
you going to do ? 

Patty (comes down r. of Mrs. Landon, coaxing) ^ 
I'm going to help Captain Finch to — -w^A^pack his bag ! 



24 PATTY PACKS A BAG 

(Patty lifts bag to table. Captain Finch futs Ms 
arm round her, Mrs. Landon starts back, smthng, 
as curtain falls.) 

Curtain. 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 



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VOLUME 160 

The Dentist 

Taken for Granted 

Just as Well 

Hogmany 

Pansy 

A Doctor's Engage- 
ments 

A Duet 

My Millirer's Bill, Is. 

My Aunt from Cali- 
fornia 

His Life for Hers 

The Meeting 

The Umbre;la 
Duologue 

The Late Lamented 

Woman Triumphant 

Angelina's Lover 

VOLUME 15] 
Chrysanthemuma 
My First Client 
Punctured 
01.1 Pals 

Honeymoon Tragedy 
Commission 
Hal, the Highwayman 
Dinner for Two 
Ninth Waltz 
Human Sport 
Collabomtors 
M«re Man 
tracking Up 
Pajing Guest 
'Enery Brown 

VOLUME 152 

The Jilt 

'Op-o'-Me-Thumh 

A Marriage Has Been 

AiTanged 
Carrots 
Conversion of Nat 

Sturge 



2271 Clerical Error 

2272 Aubrey Closes the Door 

2273 Workbox 

2274 Two on a 'Biu 

2275 Bridget's Blunders 

2276 That Brute Simmon* 

2277 Well Matched 

2278 Maker of Men 

2279 Gutter of Time 

2280 Game of Chess 

VOLUME 153 

2281 Mr. Steinmann'« 

Comer 

2282 Ella's Apology 

2283 Colour Sergeant 

2284 Helpless Couple 

2285 First Aid to the 

Wounded 

2286 Correct Thing 

2287 Their New Paying 

Guest 

2288 Domestic Entangle- 

ment 

2289 Salt of Life 

2290 Time is Money 

2291 Wally and the Widow 

2292 Deceitful Miss Smiths 

2293 Holly Tree Inn 

2294 Up-to-date 

2295 Bit of Old Chelsea 

VOLUME 154 

2296 Wrong Side of the 

Road 

2297 The Open Door 

2298 Prima Donna (Pem- 

berton) 

2299 Liglits Out(Pemherton) 

2300 Mirror of Time 

2301 Three Blind Mice 

(Muskerry) 

2302 Privy Council 

2303 Snowed up with a 

Duchess 



2304 Acacia Cottage 

2305 Pabricato 

2306 Compromising Martlw 

2307 Rest Cure 

2308 Misses Primrose's De- 

caption 

2309 Ejection of Aunt 

Lucinda 

2310 Uncle Dick's Darling 

VOLUME 155 

2311 That Horrid Major 

2312 Bardwell v. Pickwick 

2313 House of Nightingales 

2314 Turtle Dovee [der 

2315 Superior Miss Pellen- 

2316 His Good Genius 

2317 Martha Plays the Fairy 

2318 Dumb Cake 

2319 Proposing by Proxy 

2320 Pliconix 

232 i Boatswain's Mate 

2322 Final Rehearsal 

2323 Two Aunts at a Time 

2324 Nelson Touch 

2325 Convict on the Hearth 

VOLUME 156 

2326 Grey Parrot 

2327 Ghost of Jerry Bundler 

2328 Bishop's Candlesticks 

2329 Peacemaker 

2330 Changeling 

2331 Wire Entanglement 

2332 Pride of Regin;ient 

2335 "1588" 

2334 Man on the Kerb 
233"^ O'Dowd 

2336 Impertinence of the 

Creature 

2337 Dramatist at Hon>e 

2338 Martha the Soothsayer 

2339 Old Martha Is. 

2340 All Through Martha la. 



AN AMERICAN CITIZEN 
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CHARITY THAT BEGAN 

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